Jesus To Play Third Base For The Yanks

New York- Fresh off the heels of the New York Yankees losing their star third basemen Alex Rodriguez to free agency, the boss’ son Hank Steinbrenner issued the following statement, “Alex Rodriguez did not want to be a Yankee, therefore as my father told me, if Jesus was a baseball player he would be a Yankee, I have sent feelers out to his agency about acquiring the “Son Of God” to come in and play third base for our team.” In a follow up question Hank was asked if he could expect the output to top the probable 2007 MVP and future hall of famer, Hank was quoted as saying “without a doubt. The Man, if I should even refer to Him as that, can hit the ball from the left and the right side of the plate, stays back on the curveball, and if our scouts are correct, He has the quickest hands in the game.”
It came as a shock to most to find out that Jesus was even interested in getting involved in playing Major League Baseball, let alone had gone as far to get an agent. To everyone’s surprise it was not baseball super agent Scott Boris as most would have expected, but little know multi-sport agent Hal Rubinowitz. When reached for comment Hal mentioned that the New York Yankees have been asking about his Client for a number of years and this is the first time they have made such request public. He did mention one hold up for any team that may sign him, stating “My client will not be playing games on Sundays. He will be taking his day of rest Sunday, and informed me that before I get into negotiations with any team to make sure they are clear that even his Father rested on the seventh day of the week.” This may come as a stumbling block for most teams to be able to sell to their fans there new 5 tool star player will not be playing Sundays, but his agent says it should not be of much concern, “Jesus never gets inured, never takes a sick day and will be able to heal other injured players on the spot, not to mention creating rain delays in a moment’s notice.”
Many people remarked the irony in Jesus picking a Jewish Sports Agent. While Jesus was not able to be reached in time to comment a representative of his mentioned that “Jesus knows how to forgive and forget which will come in handy for anyone that attempts to come up and in with a fastball.”
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was peppered with questions in regards to the quote by the young Steinbrenner while congratulating the Red Sox for their recent World Series Championship in Boston. He did his best to elude the topic but did mention that he will not allow any rules to be broken in regards to many of Jesus’ super human abilities, noting mostly his ability to levitate. Stating directly “I will not allow my game to be tarnished or ruined by people doing things that damage the integrity of the game.” When asked a follow up question of what he will do to eliminate these concerns, Selig mentioned he will put together a Commission put together headed by Bill Donahue, who is of course the head of the Catholic League.
Members of the Yankees front office were unaware of the “Jesus Hates The Yankees” t-shirts, calling them nothing but Red Sox propaganda. “I don’t see how anyone but a jealous Red Sox fan would actually think that Jesus hates the Yankees,“ stated Hal Steinbrenner, adding “and for the people that feel we are just trying to overshadow the World Series victory, it could be nothing further from the truth. We are excited for them as “God” willing the Yankees will be in the World Series for many years to come!” It should be noted Hal put up the finger quote sign when saying God, and had a smirk on his face that could be seen all the way to Fenway.